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Or, a slightly overweight person may spend a lot of energy worrying about not getting fatter only to continue to pad on the pounds. There is also the case of newlyweds who vowed they would have a marriage with no fights only to find that they are engaged in frequent arguments. Even teachers may find their vision of not having a disruptive class to be futile as students interrupt her lesson plans. All these scenarios have one thing in common, according to Mary Demetria Davis, a Neurolinguistic Programmer (NLP). Each of these individuals has forgotten that words have power. They, says Davis, are so focused on saying what they didn't want resulting in getting exactly what they put out into the universe. Redirecting one's words and thoughts to what one wants is what neurolinguisitc programming or NLP is all about. "We have a computer between our ears," explains Davis. "It's our brain's function to perceive words that are spoken. The brain automatically deletes negative words, so when someone says, 'Do not," the brain deletes the word, 'not' and the result is exactly opposite. So what we have to learn to do is to say things in the affirmation, of what we do want rather than what you don't want." Returning to our original scenarios utilizing NLP the parent would say, "Please bring me the plate" and the child would not have dropped it. If the overweight person focused on how they would look slimmer or maintaining their weight, they could avert becoming more overweight. Then the newlyweds should have vowed for a peaceful marriage, and the teacher a classroom conducive to learning. The bottom line of NLP is to have and say a positive intention. Consequently, Davis contends that NLP could revolutionize the public school system by helping teachers more effectively communicate with their students. Social workers and human services practitioners would have better rapport with their clients. Entrepreneurs and corporate administrators can use it to be more successful. Even parents, spouses and individuals may find the transformational power in it to improve their personal and professional lives to do everything from losing weight and ceasing smoking to finding a life partner or mission in life. NLP is a 30-year-old practice Davis and her husband and partner Ed Andriessen. For over three decades many on the West Coast have been utilizing NLP in public school systems, business coaching, and creating more successful interpersonal relationships. The discipline is a result of extensive study of the language and communications styles of those with functional and thriving professional and personal lives. "NLP is not therapy," says Davis. "It is about perception. It's about how we talk to ourselves and others. Sometimes we get in our own way. NLP makes one aware of how they are thinking about a situation and how they are communicating. It is based on how successful people do what they do. Once we realize how we are thinking and communicating we can change our perception which in turn changes the result. There's the old saying that if you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got." For instance, Davis shares the hypothesis of philosopher Earl Nightingale about worrying. He said that 40 percent of the things we worry about never happen and 30 percent of our worries are past things that can't be changed. In addition another 12 percent are needless worries about health, 10 percent miscellaneous worries, and only eight percent are legitimate worries. "That means that 92 percent of the average person's worry time causes painful stress, mental anguish and is absolutely unnecessary most of the time," she says. So, what can a person do to worry less and accomplish more? Davis again recommends changing our perceptions. For instance when something we really want does not manifest, look at "all disappointments as God's delays for our highest good." One can also move from the Blame Frame to the Outcome Frame. In the former, one would ask oneself questions that are critical of why a goal has not been reached. Questions like why don't I have it yet, what is wrong with me, what the problem is and whose fault is it are some of the blaming self-interrogations. On the other hand one could adapt the latter. Instead of being the perpetual victim and critic, one could ask themselves what they want, when they want it, how will they know when they have it, what can they do differently to get it, and what resources are available to them. "What this means is you are looking for new ways to accomplish what you want instead of focusing on the limitations," she says.  Consequently, the Outcome Frame involves asking the following questions: What do I want? When do I want it? How will I know that I have it? When I get what I want, what else in my life will improve? How will I look, sound, and think differently? What resources do I have available to help me with this? How can I best utilize the resources that I have? What am I going to begin doing now to get what I want? Davis stresses to her clients that the most important question is "how." Many will reflect on why something happened or when it transpired, but little effort is put into how the situation can be changed, she says. For instance, if one is trying to lose weight, rather than berating oneself for poor eating habits focus on how one can improve one's diet from now on. Next, Davis explains how NLP can reduce the stress levels one experiences. "When stress happens many things happen in the brain in a split second," said Davis, adding that reducing stress can prevent disease as well as cause a person to be more effective. "It's all related to our perception of what happened," she continues. "When someone gets on our last nerve it may trigger an attitude because our mind is taking us back to a similar situation that could have happened 20 years ago or last Thursday. So something happens, we get a perception, and then we get an attitude because a memory is triggered. That's what starts the ball rolling." Davis further contends that if one can become aware of how the brain processes experiences and memory then one can begin to shift how one perceives. This will in turn change one's attitude and reduce or eliminate stress. This is the key to understanding positive communications, according to the NLP coach. The next phase the brain processes after the memories are triggered is to judge the situation based one one's beliefs and values, according to Davis. Some of the negative ways of processing this may be to go into "victimhood" and in turn attract others who have the same reference to support the "poor me syndrome." Yet there is a more positive approach, she says. "We can choose to learn a lesson from the situation," explains Davis. "Instead of saying how awful the situation is, we can look at our options now based on what we have learned. We can look back and remove all the 'shoulds' and instead use the word 'prefer'. It's all in the way we talk to ourselves and how we now see the situation. So we begin to process our thoughts differently and we get unstuck." Yet, even Davis admits that for some NLP may not work. Some people, she says, are so entrenched in their way of thinking that they cannot overcome it without therapy or other intervention. "NLP is really for everyone," concludes Davis. "It's tapping into what you already know. It's teaching how to tap into their own (innate) resources to do and think things differently so you can change yourself and others around them. You will improve communications, accomplish the goals you set out to do, and have more positive impact on the lives of others. It's all about tapping into the context of words and using their power to benefit everyone." |
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