Any discussion of living a life in
chastity must begin with knowing what God's plan is for the relationship between
men and women. What is the proper relationship between a man and a woman? What
did God intend? How can one live a wholesome, satisfying relationship as a
single person? These are questions for which each of us must find answers. As
believers, we are called to live according to the plan of God. Another question
that needs to be considered is how do I know what the plan of God is for man and
woman? Once again for the believer, we must start at sacred Scripture. We must
start at the beginning of Scripture as well. In Genesis Chapter 1, we read "God
created man in his image; in the divine image he created him; male and female he
created them." So God created humans in two kinds, male and female. Why? God
blessed them, saying 'be fertile and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it'
(Gen. 1:28). So, man and woman have a purpose in living; to continue the species
and to rule over the created world. But, what is the relationship between the
man and the woman? How are they to live together? I hope to at least begin to
answer these questions in this article..
First, to set the stage for this we must look at the
basic relationship between a man and a woman. How the woman came to be is very
important in discovering how man and woman are related and how they relate to
one another. For the believer, the male and female relationship starts and
remains as a partnership. The woman is part of the man; the man is partner with
the woman. Scripture tells us that Eve was not taken from the feet of Adam to be
his slave, nor did He take her from his head to be his Lord. Eve was taken from
his side to be his partner. Since God himself is personal; he gives himself to
us in relationship. And that is how he wants us to live. Remember in Genesis, it
states that God did not want Adam to be alone. He wanted Adam to be in
relationship with one like himself. As good as the other creatures are in the
world, none can be in the type of relationship that satisfies as the one in
which one can depend on the other. It is not too simplistic to say that without
dependency on one another we can never be whole people.
Second, a relationship must be founded on self
giving love, complementariness, mutual respect, acceptance and growth. This is
seen in a special way in the marriage bond, but is not limited to that. The
Christian believes that the appropriate expression of our sexual nature is
always within relationship; the relationship of the marriage bond. What do
single people do in forming relationships? How can a man and woman have a good
relationship that can be deep, loving and enriching for both and not violate the
call to be holy and chaste? There are many pressures on people, mostly from the
secular society, which may lead them to overstep the boundaries of chastity.
There is pressure to exercise the sexual expression outside of that special
relationship. When used outside of the confines of marriage this sexual
relationship always leads to a separation from the good that God intended. So
how do men and women express their natural sexual nature without committing sin?
We must start by having a clear vision of what true manhood and womanhood should
be. If we had this vision, both of ourselves as we ought to be and of other
people as they ought to be, we would not sink down so easily to the level of the
society that surrounds us. There are many tastes and expressions which are
prevalent in our society, which are in direct conflict with the plan of God. Is
it idealistic to believe that the Christian can overcome these societal tastes
and expectations? We teach and believe that it is possible. The ideal that one
can live a holy Christian life is attainable. We believe and teach that
Christian idealism is a good thing, especially when under the guidance of the
Holy Spirit it guards us against settling for the "normal life" of the world,
the flesh and the Devil.
There is an order of responsibility for the way this
relationship works which must be addressed as well. The man was created first,
and so this gives him the responsibility to be responsible. One of the first
things that needs to happen in the minds of young men is to reform their concept
of themselves so that this concept comes into alignment with God's plan for
manhood. "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife,
and the two of them become one body." (Gen 2:24) The man is the one who is to
care for the wellbeing of the woman. Not that he is better, but that he
does
care for and about her. We also need to reform our view of women. This is where
the whole concept of partnership between men and women becomes so necessary. The
notion that men and women are in competition with one another has to be replaced
with God's notion that men and women complement one another. God created woman
to be the companion for the man. As soon as he sees her, he realizes that she is
completely different from all other creatures; she is flesh from his flesh, bone
from his bones. She is a gift of God and like him and therefore to be protected
by him.
Even we who've been Christians for some time are
still only drawing closer to a full understanding of what a normal, God
formed male and female friendship should look like. Still, we often
underestimate how much our expectation and tastes have been poisoned by the
worldview of the relationship between men and women. If we could see with
perfect clarity of insight what a normal human relationship looks like
according to God's design, I am certain that we would desire it since our
hearts have been regenerated by the Spirit of God to like the right things.
Because of a lack of faith and knowledge that is
generally the case in this society, men and women look to each other to
fulfill needs in themselves that God alone can ever meet. There are many
needs which men and women want to be met. The need to feel like we matter,
or that we are valued, or the fear that we could be abandoned, or there's
someone in the world who understands and sympathize with us. There is a
need, perhaps a natural need, to find someone who
likes us. This need can become a source of frustration for the other,
because on some level they feel that they can never, never satisfy those
God-given needs, and we are not satisfying those needs in them; and we never
will. God must be the third partner in this relationship. The gift of
companionship is a gift from a loving God who wants us to live in community
with one another.
So having said all that, where do we start to
build up a virtuous young couple? The young couple today is bombarded with a
self-centered idea of the relationship between a man and a woman. The idea
of chastity is almost laughable to the secular society. "But we as
Christians are taught that chastity is the joyous affirmation of someone who
knows how to live self giving, free from any form of self centered slavery.
The chaste person is not self-centered, not involved in selfish
relationships with other people. (Paraphrase of PCF,
The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality: Guidelines for Education Within
the Family, December 8, 1995, #17)
Then why is it desirable for couples to live
chaste lives before marriage, as well as during marriage? If one is not
living a chaste single life, one that recognizes the equality of the sexes,
the interdependence, and mutual respect that each party is entitled to in
God's plan, then how can this manifest itself in a marriage? Dating is
practice for marriage. But, there are boundaries which we must respect if we
are to remain "good" as God created us. Chastity makes the personality,
harmonious. It matures it and fills it with inner peace. Dating can be fun
and the two can enjoy one another, and still respecting the dignity of each
other. The means to living a chaste life can be arrived at though various
means. These include, "discipline of the senses and the mind, watchfulness
and prudence in avoiding occasions of sin, moderation in recreation,
wholesome pursuits, assiduous prayer and frequent reception of the
sacraments of Penance and the Eucharist."(CDF,
persona humana, December 29, 1975, XII) This whole idea is all the
more important in our society when it is true that more than half of all
man/woman relationships end in some kind of break up. This is seen in the
trend in our society to have people living in "serial monogamy", having
multiple divorces, and socially acceptable promiscuous relationships.
We, as church, have not been very diligent in
teaching our young people the value and virtue of living the chaste life. It
is very true that only a person who knows how to be chaste will know how to
love in marriage or in virginity. From a very early age, we must teach our
young people that the practice of decency and modesty in speech, action, and
dress is very important for creating an atmosphere suitable to the growth of
chastity. And this must be motivated by cultivating a respect for ones own
body and the dignity of others. The challenge to live the chaste single life
is connected with the whole contraceptive attitude of the society. Just as
in that case, not to live in chastity is to invite many negative
consequences. These include, marital infidelity, a lessening of moral
standards, a loss of respect for women and their dignity, less personal
responsibility toward others, and more selfish individualism. Is this not
already the situation we now face?
Deacon Turner is the
Director of the Office of Black Catholics for the Archdiocese of Washington.
He is also assigned to the Church of the Nativity in Washington, DC where he
and his wife, Jane, are coordinators of the Marriage Ministry.
