The Cohabitation Phenomenon
Marriage Is More Than Living Together
By Deacon Al Douglas Turner
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"There is a crisis in the Black community and there doesn't seem to be any out cry". Have you heard this statement in recent times? What was the subject of this statement? Well, there are really several crises ongoing that affect the black community. The issue I wish to address has to do with marriage. People are not getting married. They are not formalizing their relationships. They are finding "alternative" ways of being together. One of the alternatives is cohabitating. They do not find it necessary to be married. What is going on? Why is this happening and why are good people doing this?

There are several reasons given for not getting married which are generally shared by all races. But, there is also a common misunderstanding about marriage that is shared by all races. This is a misunderstanding of the nature of marriage. This common misunderstanding has lead to the general acceptance of the practice of cohabitation before or instead of marriage. Black people in general and black Catholics in particular are not immune to this phenomenon. So, what is wrong with "living together", "shacking-up", and "living an alternative life-style"?

As part of my diaconal ministry, I am responsible for preparing couples at my parish for marriage. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for these couples to reveal that they are living together before the formal marriage begins. While many in this society may see no problem with this arrangement, the Church however finds this behavior to be inconsistent with what God expects from us as believers. I have sat through many marriage-prep sessions with couples, both young and not so young, who have given many "good" reasons for why they are or "should" be living together before marriage. There are the economic reasons; the practical reasons and the socially acceptable reasons for cohabiting that each of these good people believes justify their actions. Very few of them can articulate any negative consequences. I often wonder what these "good" Catholic Christians are pretending not to know. Most have had some formation in the faith; CCD or Catholic Schooling. So what happened such that they can make this decision?

I have been preparing couples for marriage for ten years now. In that time, about half of the couples I see are living at the same address. They say that they want to married in the church and that they thought over this living arraignment and concluded that it is the best situation for them at this time in their lives. They say that they are practicing their faith. So, it appears that the phenomenon of cohabitation is not uncommon even among "good" Catholics. At this point I must give them "the talk". What do I say to them? I ask if they can consider living apart until the wedding. If that is not one of the choices they care to make, than can they sleep in separate beds? I ask if they can make a few sacrifices for the one they say they love. Sometimes as I talk to the couple, I will ask the man if he loves his intended. He will, of course say yes. I then ask him if he ever thought of her as a used car. He usually gives me a puzzled look. I then tell them both that these relationships (cohabitation) are like a person considering buying an automobile. One goes into look at the car; the object of desire, kicks the tires, gets in, drives it around for a while and then if it is not after all "the one" for whatever reason, one puts it back on the lot….for the next would-be buyer to tryout. This is often a way of looking at their situation that has not occurred to either of them. It does, however, start a conversation.

So, what does this lack of understanding of the seriousness of marriage by so many say about how we are rising-up people in the faith? And what is it that people do not understand about the nature of marriage? Let us begin to answer those questions by looking at what the Bible does say about sex, marriage, and the man/woman relationship.

From the very beginning, The Bible teaches that the act of sexual intercourse can have a strong bonding effect on two people (Gen.2:18-24). Done within the context of sacramental marriage, the man and the woman become one flesh (Eph. 5:31). Sexual intercourse outside of marriage also has consequences. In 1 Corinthians chapter 6:16, St. Paul said that when a man joins himself to a prostitute, he becomes one body with her.

You may remember that this discussion arose from a problem within the church. A man in the church was having sexual relations with his father's wife (1 Cor. 5:1-3). Paul calls this relationship sinful. Why? First, it was incestuous, which was condemned by the Old Testament (Lev. 18:8, Deut. 22:30). Second, there was no marital union, but instead an example of cohabitation. St. Paul's admonition to us is to flee sexual immorality (1 Cor. 6:18). Sexual immorality is a grave wrong and it does have negative consequences.

There are at least 25 passages in the New Testament where sexual immorality is condemned. This condemnation includes all forms of illicit sexual intercourse. Jesus taught, "For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean'" (Mark 7:21-23).

St. Paul said, "It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God" (1 Thes. 4:3-5). Our present society tells young people that you can not control your passions, so we will help you to have "safe-sex". That can be translated to include un-married, uncommitted sex. What? Yes, those who engage in cohabitation are having uncommitted sex. Why do I say that? I say that because there is a very low level of permanence connected with those relationships. There is always the possibility that one or the other of the parties can "walk away" if they are unhappy, lose interest, or find another partner. Remember my analogy of the used car buyer?

Marriage is God's plan it is not just a secular legal agreement. Marriage provides intimate companionship for life: "It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him." (Gen. 2:18). It provides, we believe and teach, the best context for the procreation and nurture of children: "Children, obey your parents (in the Lord), for this is right." (Eph.6:1-2). And finally, marriage provides a godly outlet for sexual desire,"…but because of cases of immorality every man should have his own wife and every woman her own husband." (1 Cor. 7:2). In a true marriage covenant, no one gets used.

There are many places in the New Testament, warning believers against persistent sin, including sexual sin (1 Cor. 5:1-5), for instance, which says in part,"….a man living with his father's wife…you are to deliver this man to Satan for the destruction of his flesh, so that his spirit may be saved on the day of the Lord." The church is to keep believers accountable for their behavior. Believers are to judge themselves, lest they fall into God's hands, "If we discerned ourselves, we would not be under judgment; but since we are judged by (the) Lord, we are being disciplined so that we may not be condemned along with the world." (1 Cor.11:31-32). Sexual sin should not even be named among believers, "Immorality or any impurity or greed must not even be mentioned among you, as is fitting among holy ones..." (Eph. 5:3).

I am not the first to write about these issues. Some of these thoughts have come from others who teach what they have been taught by the word of God. These thoughts must be restated to counter the teaching of the secular society. For the Christian, living together outside of marriage not only violates biblical commands but it puts a couple and their future marriage at risk. Why? The simple reason for this is that in a cohabiting relationship there is no real commitment to the other. All of the "love" is conditional. I will love you as long as things are going ok. I will stay with you unless I find another who is better. I will love you as long as I get what I want from you and so on. In the final analysis, cohabitation is, at best, a counterfeit of the real thing. In a real marriage, the feelings, wellbeing and dignity of the other are the primary concern of each of the parties for one another. If not, then someone is being misused by the other. That is not part of God's plan.

Deacon Turner is the Director of the Office of Black Catholics for the Archdiocese of Washington. He is also assigned to the Church of the Nativity in Washington, DC where he and his wife, Jane, are coordinators of the Marriage Ministry.