Why A Christian Marriage And Family For African Americans Is More Important Now Than Ever Before
By Ron Jackson
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I am an expectant grandfather. That's right!! I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my first grandchild; and I could not be more excited. However, my excitement is tempered somewhat because Brenda, my beloved wife of 29 years and 3 weeks, will not be here to witness this very blessed event. Brenda died July 6, 2006. I do believe she will witness this blessed event from the Heavens above watching like an angel over our daughter and grandchild in a very guarded and special way. Marriage works! It is the very best blessing that Almighty God has given us and for this we should be grateful.

I started my story in this way to express how life comes and goes, but becoming a grandfather is important to continue the existence of my African American family. I ask you, "Where are the two parent (i.e. mother and father) families in the African American community?" When people asked me on numerous occasions, how did you and your wife have such a successful marriage? The answer was always simple, "she was always right, and I was never wrong". However to be honest with you, the more serious and accurate answer is that we prayed and worshiped together.

When Brenda and I got married she was 21, a Baptist -- and I was 24, a Catholic. We never gave serious thought on where we would worship or how we would raise our children. We participated in pre-cana discussions and got great advice from Fr. Martin Madison, O.S.M., an old friend, who was Chaplin at Howard University at the time where we met. We were married Baptist and Catholic with Fr. Martin getting special dispensation from the Archdiocese to participate in the ceremony under those conditions.

At the time we prepared for marriage, there was no pressure from me for my wife to convert to Catholicism. Even after we were married for the first year, we never discussed or pursued a need for either of us to change our faith. But as GOD would have it, one day Brenda came to me and said, "a family that prays together will stay together." I was just as excited about the good news that she would embrace the Catholic Faith as I am with the birth of our first grandchild.

It is time to call a spade a spade and time for us as African Americans to own up to what is going on in our race. We are not coupling and more critically we are not getting married; and this is a very serious problem moving forward. Children want to know where they come from and who they are connected to. I was always intrigued from the very first moment I could realize that I was connected to this thing we call "family". Growing up I loved going to grandma and papa's house every Sunday for dinner and family time. It was most satisfying to know other people who not only looked like me, but carried my same blood and we were connected.

What has happened to being a Christian family with Christian values? What will it take to get back to those days where we were an intact family of father & mother together living under the same roof raising the children in church and school with the community always having their back? What is going on now?

I suppose that social scientists can come up with many hypotheses and speculate many conclusions. However, from this social scientist I prefer to hedge my bets on what is not happening from a faith perspective. As I go to Catholic church each Sunday, I see fewer and fewer married young couples with their children. And no, it is not because young people are leaving the faith. They aren't getting married, period, and this is a major problem for the race and our children's future.

Marriage between one man and one woman is one of, if not, the greatest gifts that Almighty GOD has given to humankind. This issue is very critical since there is a strong movement to redefine marriage, (i.e. gay rights). From Adam and Eve to where we are today, the entire notion of existence and its extension rest solely on the fact that men and women get married, procreate, have children and raise them in the church presumably. I don't see it and it is truly bothering me. I hope for those who read this article you will begin to share my concerns.

Yes, my marriage was very successful and with that success came hard work and commitment from my spouse and me. We were committed to each other and to our three beautiful children (Ron Jackson, Jr. 32; Tiffany Quinn 28; and Joseph 20). If you approach marriage first spiritually, second emotionally and third physically then you have the ingredients for success. If you and your partner are spiritually connected you can't possibly go wrong. You have the foundation from which to build because you have told Christ that you believe in him and that by following him you will build a relationship that can't fail because Jesus will not let us fall if we play by his rules.

Secondly, if you are emotionally connected your marriage should prevail. This is where things can get tricky because by nature all human beings are connected emotionally both good and bad. Initially, you are so gooey eyed and believe this person your partner is the absolute best person in the world and they can do no wrong. Now, your emotional connection however, sustains you day in and day out. Our emotions control us and our psychological and physiological make up of who we are and how we relate. We need other human beings to interact with so that we can maintain a personal balance. An emotional connection in a relationship is critical because it is the emotional touch that leads to the physical touch.

If you truly love your partner you will put up with their strengths and their weaknesses---in other words, their blessings and their mess. This is where marriage is truly tested because if your partner is worth the investment you will, therefore, give it all you got. Often times you will find that their strengths far outweigh their weaknesses, that is why you got with them in the first place and you should never forget this. Thus, scripture says that you should be "equally yoked" and this means that the mate you select should meet this prerequisite. Remember no one is perfect and we really can't pick and choose who we fall in love with. I believe God does this, and it is very important to be with someone who shares similar values which will make your marriage life sustaining. We might have an eye for someone, but that does not guarantee that love will follow.

Lastly, but surely not the least by any means is the physical connection. Let's face it when people in their 20s and 30s come together it is primarily chemistry. Men and women approach sex differently. For women a simple touch sometimes can be more than enough, but for men, they are more physical. Sex creates life and we were taught from the very beginning that procreation is what sex is intended for. But oh boy, how have we gotten so far off track, right? But let's be real-- in any successful marriage the two have to become one and that physical oneness is what bonds and prevails. How many times after an argument does great sex put you right back on track? This is no lie; I am only telling it like it is and should be.

Marriage and family life is no joke, but we need to keep things going to ensure that the dreams of our ancestors will live on and on for generations to come. When we think about the alternatives to marriage and family, what do we get? I don't have to explain it, but the problem is that we don't want to face the truth and especially be truthful to each other for fear that we will hurt our sensitive natures. Maybe it is time to stop being nice, start being honest and truthful with each other, and not worry about hurting each others feelings. We do it anyway and think nothing of it when it comes to trivial matters. Marriage and family is too serious a matter to play with.

I think back on my growing up years and I remember how my parents and grandparents conducted their lives and those they came in contact with. I recall how they could be tactful but respectful. How they could tell their neighbor this ain't cutting it and get your act together. Why can't we do this today? Well this is where our Christian values come into play. If you are sound in whom and whose you are in your faith and belief in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, you can almost say anything to anybody without fear or concern that you will hurt their feelings. I guess what I am trying to get at is that we have to start preaching to our children, especially our young adults. We don't hold them accountable even when they think about doing wrong and I would be the first to admit I'm guilty as the next.

But the time is drawing close and near and we have must start calling a "spade a spade" and I have got to start in my own neighborhood. And if I start and you start then guess what? Maybe we will begin to make a difference and the parish calendar will begin to fill up with wedding dates. Yes, that's right young people will go to their pastor and say we want to get married and what a wonderful thing it will be for our families and communities. Two parents pulling the weight, making decisions together, loving GOD, each other and their children. The Church filled with more couples and families in their pews than widows, widowers and divorcees or for that matter the ever growing list of never been married. Recent statistics show that among African American males 45% and 42% of females have never been married. This is absurd and in our community should not be tolerated. Whereas, I read once that in 1890, 80% of all African Americans were married. What a difference in time, where have we gone wrong?

If people who have had successful marriages don't speak out and tell the stories that marriage works, who do you think people are going to listen too? I lay a lot of blame on those who know better but are not telling the story and that's why I am sharing these thoughts in this article. Marriage works and if you work hard enough at it you can bet it is the greatest gift that Almighty GOD can give to us in this life. I always said to my wife that marriage is like a full-time job with no vacation not even one day off, but how can you complain when you live everyday with your best friend and know that they got your back 24/7.

It's time to wake up Black folks and get it right because the last thing we want to happen is to ask the question, where are the children? Oh, they can be born to one parent and be raised by one parent, but we all know that ain't the way it was intended to be. GOD didn't plan it that way and who are we to change and challenge his plan.

I hope after reading this you will start doing your part, I just did.

God's blessings one and all!

Ron Jackson, JD; MSW is currently the Executive Director of the D.C. Catholic Conference in the Archdiocese of Washington. He and his late wife Brenda J. (Bellamy) Jackson are the proud parents of three children Ron Jr.; Tiffany and Joseph. Ron has been a parishioner at Our Lady of Perpetual Help parish in Southeast Washington, D.C. since 1983. He invites any responses to this article at jacksonr@adw.org