Are There Any Chaste Men? Brothers, Where Are You?
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 After several conversations with sisters who were making efforts at trying to remain
pure and chaste until marriage but finding they were like "fish out of water" even when dealing with so-called
"Christian men", the question was posed more than once, "Where are the brothers who are really practicing chastity?"
I knew I had a few friends and relatives whom I thought were practicing. I was persuaded to do some investigation
among my Catholic male friends to find out what was going on? Were we running out of Christian men, especially
"brothers" who really were practicing purity, chastity, abstinence or holiness? Were chaste brothers now on the
"endangered species list"? The results are quite interesting.
My first call was met with surprising timidity about the subject. My friend said he
really needed to meditate on what chastity meant since he had not heard it talked about in the Catholic Church for
adults since he couldn't remember when. He let on that he wasn't doing as well as he desired and that it was an
on-going struggle. My second friend reinterated the struggle he had but spoke very confidently about what he thought
chastity was. He said, "it is a call not a gift. If you are following the Lord you follow His lead. If you really are
a follower of Christ you have to love, you have to be pure. It is not a life of convenience. It's just part of
following Christ. It's not separate. It's no big deal" he said. "It's like pursuing the other virtues," he explained.
"We're not supposed to be drunk, cursing, coveting, idolatrous, angry, gossiping, etc., he explained. "It doesn't
mean we're "better than". The road we're on is just narrow, not wide, the Word of God says, Matthew 7:14. We can't
just "live the life" and take advantage of people like the world says do."
Well, it was a relief to hear this practical explanation. I mean how many of us like my
first friend even remember what chastity really means or have heard it discussed in our adult lives lately? Yet we
are bombarded with overt sexual messages almost every minute of the day. This dear friend, however, had an edge. He
is an excellent RCIA teacher who obviously tries to practice what he preaches. Thank God. He was a "brother in
Christ". He wasn't' African-American though. Onward to more research.
One of my priest friends suggested I call two brothers he knew practiced chastity, one
divorced and one married. I knew them too and what followed gave me some hope. Our divorced friend of 15+ years
confirmed again (as all the other guys did) that indeed it was a struggle to be chaste but about 7 years ago he had
made a decision "to stop playing with God." He believed that most people don't understand the depth of the sin of
fornication and adultery, the offense to God, and that if they knew and understood how God sees it, "as idolatry" he
said, they wouldn't take it so lightly. Idolatry. I had forgotten this view myself but I sure remembered it after he
mentioned this being in the Old Testament and possibly the New Testament. When I asked how he came to this decision
and what helped him keep to it, he spoke some of the same thinking my single RCIA teacher friend and the next married
brother reinterated. He had made a strong commitment, developed a mind set, a decision, to remain intentionally
celibate until married, which he told every woman with whom he had a dating relationship. "First thing out of his
mouth" he said and stood firm even when challenged with what kind of man he was. Like "going for the gold", he said
he decided to remain steadfast, immovable with the indwelling Holy Spirit's help.
I wanted to know more about how he and the married brother stayed chaste. He explained
that besides keeping his guard up he had to stop the necking and petting, "heavy metal" stuff, and make it off
limits. He realized he was "the temple of God" (I Corinthians 3"16-17) that he was "pulling another person into sin
which God would charge me with double punishment." The married brother said, "you have to avoid anything that would
draw you, put you in a tempting situation, and tempting people." He said "You can't be more in the world's stuff than
in godly stuff" James 1:27, 4:4, I John2:15-16; that you can't do everything and remain pure and chaste. Romans 12:2
He also noted how Jesus sent the disciples out two by two to "shun the very appearance of evil". "You have to do it,
follow it, not just talk about" the married brother said. "Kids emulate what they see" he cautioned, and we adult
Christians are "telling kids to do chastity when we don't practice, like the Sachucees and Pharisees." The divorced
brother said he made a decision that flesh would not rule him and mentioned Romans 7 and 8 and that he was constantly
fighting against natural desire, that strengthening our spirit man was so important because old flesh was not saved;
it was the spirit person that has the conscience he said. It took more than church on Sunday, the married friend
explained, when I asked about how this strengthening the spirit, inner man and maintaining their strong commitment
worked. Both talked about the need to get in the Bible, Word of God, study it, meditate on it. They both confirmed
the need to be among believers, in growth ministry not just service ministry like the choir or ushering but small
groups or a support group where you could be held accountable, like Cursillo group reunion, or find one other person
who was "steadfast, immoveable always abounding in the work of the Lord" -- who you could count on being honest,
were suggested. Both said a strong commitment had to be made to be chaste because it was harder now in this culture
than ever before. One last caution was given by the married brother, 'If you can't contain, get married and commit to
marriage." Jesus said through the apostle Paul , "It is better to marry than to burn." I Corinthians 7:9. However, he
followed with Paul's admonition that it is better to be free to be 100% , verse 35, devoted to the Lord, " and he
said it five times in I Corinthians 7:26, 28, 32, 37, 40. Woo! However, "Don't get married just to have sex ," he
exhorted. "It won't work." Both brothers reiterated about it being tough but possible when you make the commitment to
God to pursue the Kingdom agenda that "when we are helpless, He is strong," ready to offer His abounding grace and
love, 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, .
 This subject definitely could use more exploration. A forum, "Abstinence, Chastity,
Second Virginity. What Are They? Whose Doing It? And Were Can I Find Some More Support?" for Christian adults in
metropolitan Washington D.C. is being worked on for Abstinence Awareness Week, March 10-17, 2007, to address and
possibly create support groups for those who are pursuing purity, holiness, and/or chastity especially in regards to
their sexuality. If you are interested, check this site in March or visit ALS-Singles Wholeness and Marriage Savers'
website at www.relationships-sweet.com in March.
Incidentally, the divorced brother says he is the most popular guy in his building of
over 180 women to 20 something men.
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