Helping The Battered Woman
A Guide For Family And Friends
By House of Ruth, Maryland
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Millions of American women are physically and
emotionally abused by their husbands or partners each year. Chances are, someone
you know -- your mother, sister, friend, co-worker, or neighbor -- is a victim
of domestic violence.
Perhaps you feel your friend's problem will "work
itself out." Nothing could be further from the truth. The violence will not end
until someone takes action to stop it.
Your support and encouragement can be of tremendous
value to a friend involved with an abusive man. You can ease the isolation and
loss of control she may feel by listening to her, providing her with more
information on domestic violence, and helping her to explore her options.
All intimate relationships have their problems, and
sometimes it is difficult for others to decide when it is appropriate to
intervene. Maybe your friend has mentioned "trouble" at home, and you have
dismissed her comments by saying all couples have problems. Ask yourself how you
have reacted in the past to these possible signs that your friend is being
abused and needs your help:
- Have you readily accepted her explanations for visible injuries, such as black eyes, bruises, or broken bones? Do you tend not to press her further about frequent "accidents" that cause her to miss work?
- Does her partner exert an unusual amount of control over her activities? Are you reluctant to discuss his control over family finances, the way she dresses, and her contact with friends and family?
- If her partner ridicules her publicly, do you and others ignore his behavior or join in the laughter at her expense? Think about why you might not be willing to stand up for her. Do you already sense the volatile nature of his comments?
- Have you noticed changes in her or her children's behavior? Does she appear frightened, exhausted, or on edge? Do the children seem to be easily upset? Are they experiencing sudden problems in school or other activities?
What You Should Know About Domestic Violence
The first step you can take to help your friend is
to learn more about domestic violence. Society's lack of understanding about the
dynamics of domestic violence often is the greatest obstacle a battered woman
faces in her efforts to end the violence in her life. With this in mind, here
are some thoughts and questions you may have:
"I should not get involved in a private family
matter."
Domestic violence is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious
repercussions for your friend, her children, and the entire community.
"The violence cannot really be that serious."
Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, choking,
sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence,
and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time.
Domestic violence results in more injuries that
require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined.
Moreover, thirty percent of the women murdered in this country are killed by
their husbands or boyfriends.
"That kind of behavior does not go on in my
neighborhood."
Domestic violence occurs among all ages, races, and religions. It happens to
people of all educational and income levels.
"She must be doing something to provoke his
violence."
Your friend is the victim of battering; she is not to blame nor does she ever
deserve such treatment. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of
violence to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.
"If it is so bad, why doesn't she just leave?"
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is not an easy one. A
battered woman's emotional ties to her partner may be strong, supporting her
hope that the violence will end. If she has been financially dependent on her
partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic
hardship. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and
justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural,
or family pressures may make her believe it is her duty to keep her marriage
together at all costs. When she tried to leave in the past, her partner may have
used violence to stop her.
"Doesn't she care about what is happening to her
children?"
Your friend is probably doing her best to protect her children from the
violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her, and does not yet
realize its effects on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need
a father, or lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may
beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She fears
that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.
"I know him -- I really don't think he could hurt
anyone."
Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They can be charming and
lovable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of
the home.
"He must be sick."
Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. The abuser's experience
as a child, and the messages he gets from society in general, tell him that
violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over his partner's
behavior. Men who batter are accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as
"sick" wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.
"I think he has a drinking problem. Could that be
the cause of the violence?"
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify an already existing violent behavior,
it does not cause battering. Men who batter typically make excuses for their
violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress.
Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving
it.
"How can she still care for someone who abuses her?"
Chances are, the man is not always abusive. He may actually show remorse for his
violence, promising that he will change. Your friend understandably hopes for
such change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad
times, and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship
continues, the less likely there will be any good times at all.
"Lately she's been distant. I don't know if we're
still friends."
The abuser senses that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily he
can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has
outside the home. A battered woman may distance herself from friends fearing
that they will discover the violence and blame her for it. Try talking to her
about the problem of battering in a general way. Let her know you do not blame
battered women for the violence.
What You Can Do
Become Informed
Gather all the information you can about domestic
violence. Contact programs and services in your area that assist battered women
and their children. These programs not only offer women safety, but also provide
advocacy, support, and other needed services.
Sometimes your own feelings about the violence may
make it difficult for you to confront the situation. Contact your local domestic
violence hotline or program and talk to staff about your concerns. Battered
women's advocates can be an excellent source of support for both you and your
friend.
Lend A Sympathetic Ear
Letting your friend know that you care and are
willing to listen may be the best help you can offer. Don't force the issue, but
allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Keep your mind open and really
listen to what she tells you. Never blame her for what's happening or
underestimate her fear of potential danger. Remember that your friend must make
her own decisions about her life. Focus on supporting her right to make her own
choices.
Guide Her To Community Services
When she asks for advice on what she should do,
share the information you've gathered with her privately. Let her know she is
not alone and that caring people are available to help her. Encourage her to
seek the assistance of battered women's advocates at the local domestic violence
hotline or program. Assure her that any information she shares with them will be
kept strictly confidential. Many battered women first seek the advice of
marriage counselors, psychiatrists, or members of the clergy. Not all helping
professionals, however, are fully aware of the special circumstances of abused
women. If the first person she contacts is not helpful, she should be encouraged
to find assistance elsewhere.
Focus On Her Strengths
Battered women live with emotional as well as
physical abuse. Your friend is probably continually told by the abuser that she
is a bad woman, a bad wife, and a bad mother. Without positive reinforcement
from outside the home, she may begin to believe she can't do anything right --
that there really is something wrong with her. Give her the emotional support
she needs to believe that she is a good person. Help her examine her strengths
and skills. Emphasize that she deserves a life that is free from violence.
Be A Friend In Deed
Tell her you're there for her when she needs you.
Provide whatever you can: transportation, child care, financial assistance.
Confront Her With The Danger
At some point, you may find it difficult to be
supportive of your friend if she remains in the violent relationship or returns
to the abuser after a temporary separation. Let her know that not everyone lives
with abuse. Be willing to confront her with the physical and emotional harm that
she and her children will suffer if she stays. Help your friend face up to the
dangerous reality of living with an abusive partner. Remind her that even a push
or a shove can result in serious injury.
Help Her Develop A Safety Plan
Encourage your friend to develop a plan to protect
herself and her children. Help her think through the steps she should take if
her partner becomes abusive again. Make a list of people she can call in an
emergency. Suggest that she put together and hide a suitcase of clothing,
personal items, money, social security cards, bank books, the children's birth
certificates and school records, and other important documents.
If She Decides To Leave
The first safe place your friend should contact is
the local domestic violence hotline or battered women's shelter. Shelter workers
can help her examine her options. If she decides to leave, a shelter may be the
safest place she can go. The sad truth, however, is that not all communities
have shelters or safe homes. Sometimes shelters don't have enough room for all
the women and children who need their help. Your friend may need to rely on
family or friends for temporary housing.
Be careful when offering and providing safety in
your home. The battered woman frequently faces the most physical danger when she
attempts to flee. Be very discreet and talk to domestic violence program staff
about the best way to handle this.
When To Intervene
It cannot be overemphasized that domestic violence
is a crime that can result in serious injury and even death. If you are a
neighbor or otherwise know that a battering incident is occurring, call the
police immediately.
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