It's Not A Family Affair: Understanding the Dynamics of Domestic Violence
By Chatonia Zollicoffer-Brown, M.S.C.C.C
House of Ruth Maryland Baxter Center for Family Safety and Support.
 Domestic violence is an insidious
widespread societal problem that impacts not only the family, but
the entire community. In the United States alone, it is estimated
that 1 in 4 couples experience domestic violence in their intimate
partner relationships. It is also reportedly the leading cause of
serious injury to American women between the ages of 15 and 44, and
is more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and rapes
combined. (Maryland Network Against Domestic Violence, 1999). It is
also widely accepted that the incidences of intimate partner
violence is highly underreported because of the victim's sense of
fear, guilt and shame associated with the abuse.
This article will attempt to provide a basic
understanding of domestic violence, dispel some myths about the nature and
causes of domestic violence, solicit a call to action in our local churches
to be proactive in addressing domestic violence, and highlight the need for
coordinated services that address domestic violence in our communities.
What is Domestic Violence?
There are varying definitions of domestic violence
that often lead to inconsistencies and misinformation about what domestic
violence really is. A behavioral or clinical definition of domestic violence
is often different from and more comprehensive than its legal definition,
(The Family Prevention Fund, 1995) while a superficial knowledge of domestic
violence may conjure up only images of the most brutal and gruesome physical
assaults without an in-depth understanding of the pattern of repeated
behaviors in which physical violence is one of several tactics. For purposes
of this article, a behavioral definition rather than a legal definition of
domestic violence will be used.
Domestic violence can be defined as "a pattern of
assaultive and coercive behaviors, including physical, sexual, psychological
and emotional attacks as well as economic coercion that adults or
adolescents use to control their intimate partners." (The Family Prevention
Fund, 1995) Victims of domestic violence are traumatized in many of the same
ways as victims of violence by a stranger. The intimate context of the abuse
influences how the abuser and the victim relate to the violence and make the
trauma that much more perplexing for the victim. Unlike domestic violence,
the overwhelming majority of incidences of violence perpetrated by a
stranger are single-incident occurrences while domestic violence, by its
very nature, is a cycle of violence in which the victim repeatedly
experiences trauma at the hands of an intimate partner. This is not meant to
mitigate the effects of any incident of purposeful violence on the victim
but simply to highlight the complex nature of violence when experienced
within an intimate relationship.
Tactics of Power and Control
When we visualize domestic violence, the images that
often come to mind are usually the most publicized or brutal examples of a
man beating a woman to near death; or we erroneously believe the "it takes
to tango" theory of "mutual battering." The concept of "mutual battering"
implies that both parties are equally engaged in a series of abusive and
controlling behaviors, coupled with the threat or use of violence to control
what the other partner thinks, does, or feels" (Duluth Domestic Violence
Intervention Project). Careful assessment of the battering relationship will
likely reveal that one person is the primary aggressor, while the victim's
violence is either in self-defense or in response to being battered. (Family
Violence Prevention Fund, 1995.) The victim can usually be identified by
clarifying which partner is terrified by the other's behavior.
Perpetrators of domestic violence use a myriad of
coercive and intimidating tactics in their attempts to control and dominate
their partners. Some of these tactics are physically injurious, the majority
of them are not. All are psychologically and emotionally damaging to the
victim and her children. These tactics include:
- Emotional and Verbal Abuse such as
name-calling; constant criticism; playing mind games; humiliating
partner; guilt trips; The 'silent' treatment
- Sexual Coercion such as manipulating
partner into sex, including using guilt trips or threats; unwanted
touching; 'playful' use of force during sex; treating partner like a sex
object; drugging partner or having sex while they are too drunk or high
to make a clear decision about whether or not they want to have sex
- Financial/Economic Abuse such a preventing
partner from getting/keeping a job; using someone for their money;
expecting sexual acts in return for spending money on partner; denying
partner access to family income
- Sexism such as using belief that males are
superior to females or that males should have certain privileges that
females should not, to justify controlling partner; expecting males to
make all the big decisions; "Rules" for the relationship that are not
the same for both partners
- Using Children such as pressuring partner
to get pregnant; using children as a way to create dependency;
threatening to take away the children; hurting or threatening to hurt
the children; telling or threatening to tell the children negative
things about the partner.
- Denying, Minimizing, Blaming such as
denying the abuse or acting as if it's not that serious; not taking
partner's concerns about the abuse seriously; saying the partner
"caused" the abuse by something s/he did or didn't do or saying s/he
deserves it; not taking responsibility for one's own behavior
- Isolation and Extreme Jealousy such as
controlling who partner is friends with, where s/he goes, what s/he does
or trying to; separating partner from family; not letting partner work
or be involved in his/her own activities; keeping constant tabs on
partner, including through pager or cell phone; accusing partner of
cheating as a way of manipulating him/her; using jealously to justify
controlling behavior
- Intimidation/Threats such as using looks,
actions, gestures, voice to scare partner; throwing or smashing things;
displaying weapons; destroying property; 'play fighting' meant to show
strength and power over partner; threatening to hurt partner or someone
s/he cares about; threatening to commit suicide.
Myths About Domestic Violence
It is important to be aware of the myths surrounding
the issue of domestic violence so that we can develop effective prevention
and intervention strategies in our communities. Domestic violence is
behavior that is learned through observation and reinforcement and is not
caused by illness, genetics, alcohol or most drugs. (Bandura, 1973, Dutton,
1988). While many research studies have found a high correlation between
aggression and consumption of various substances, there is no data that
proves a cause and effect relationship. (Family Violence Prevention Fund,
1995.)
Another myth that permeates our society implies
domestic violence is caused by "out-of-control anger." It is well-known that
perpetrators of abuse decide when to be abusive to their intimate partners.
Some batterers will choose which part of the victim's body to hit to not
leave noticeable marks. Other batterers choose the place and time to carry
out their assaults in an effort to exert the most power and control over the
victim. Still, other batterers are respected community members who resolve
conflict peaceably with employers and other members of the community.
I believe the most damaging myth about domestic
violence suggests that it is somehow caused by the victim's behavior. This
myth inadvertently supports the perpetrator in not accepting responsibility
for the abuse and it also legitimizes his use of force as a suitable means
of controlling his partner's behavior. Many people in troubled relationships
experience negative feelings about their partner's behavior without
responding in a violent and intimidating manner. Also, many perpetrators of
intimate partner violence continue the pattern of abuse and control in other
intimate relationships regardless of differences in personality or behavior
of the victims.
Male violence against women in intimate relationships
is a social problem condoned and supported by the customs and traditions of
a particular culture. (Family Violence Prevention Fund, 1995.) Our cultural
norms and societal traditions continue to reinforce violence as a legitimate
means of controlling family members. By failing to hold perpetrators of
violence accountable for the violence and by failing to protect the victim
as we would any other victim of crime, we are inadvertently sending the
message that violence in an intimate relationship is acceptable.
How the Church Can Help To End Domestic Violence
This article was intended to provide a basic
understanding of the dynamics of domestic violence. It is my belief that
domestic violence is a societal problem. Therefore, collaborative
intervention and prevention strategies are required to effect its
eradication. Stay tuned for an upcoming article on strategies that Churches
and parishes can employ to address domestic violence in our communities.
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