Black Catholic Young Adult Article ~ { Print Version }
The National Black Catholic Congress
www.nbccongress.org

PRE-CANA
By Arlene Edmonds

Before going to the chapel to get married, Philadelphia's Catholic couples are finding Pre-Cana workshops essential. Just ask Derrick and Helen Banks of Upper Darby. A decade ago, they attended Pre-Cana classes at St. Cyprian Parish in West Philadelphia under the direction of Msgr. Frederico Britto. Now, they are part of a premarital counseling team that holds all-day retreat sessions every April and October to prepare their newly engaged counterparts for matrimony.

The Banks' areas of expertise include enhancing marital communication and honoring an interfaith union. The twosome readily shared that when they met as high school freshmen back in 1987 they were immediately attracted to each other. While Derrick came from a strong Catholic background, Helen belonged to the Baptist faith. When they began their courtship a few years later they soon realized that communication and respect for each other's spiritual backgrounds was important.

"It is important in marriage for couples to express themselves," said Derrick Banks. "You just can't say anything. You must say what you have to say in a tactful way. Especially being in an interfaith marriage, we have learned that you have to respect each other's differences."

"It's so important that you speak respectfully to each other," added his wife. "While we may have differences, we both realize that Christ is at the center of our lives. That's why we often will worship together. Usually, because of our schedules, it is more convenient for us to worship together at Derrick's church, but that does not mean he doesn't attend special programs at my church."

The Banks are also forthcoming about their long-term courtship before they got married. They will often warn couples not to jump to hastily into nuptials without really getting to know each other first. Helen Banks added that the couple should not get so overly involved in the wedding planning that they lose sight of the fact that they must live together as husband and wife after all the fanfare.

They stressed that most of the marital problems they have had was based on the "day to day stuff," according to Derrick Banks. Thus, Helen often warns Pre-Cana couples about trying to iron out some of the details of their daily lives before they tie the knot. She usually suggests "looking past the glitz and glamour of the wedding" in order to discuss some of the hard compromises that one will and must make.

"I really think that because we have a history together before we got married that helps our marriage work," said Derrick Banks. "We worked out a lot of our issues, including the fact that I am Catholic and Helen is Baptist, before we got married. We talked about having a Christ centered marriage before we made that commitment, so it became easier for us to honor that commitment."

Since the Banks are parents they also discuss how pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing affected their marriage. For instance, the couple said that when they first got married in April of 1998 they often set aside prescribed times when they prayed together. As their schedule changed with the demands of parenting, this changed. While they still do pray together at sit-down meals, sometimes the morning and evening prayer ritual they had when they were childless often gets readjusted.

Yet the couple stressed that prayer is still an integral part of their lives. In fact, Helen Banks said that in the morning her young son will often ask his parents if they said their morning prayers yet. "We still do pray together, but we always pray individually, and I do believe this is what makes our marriage stronger," she said.

The Banks are also quick to note the example how couples who have been married longer than they have has influenced them in a positive manner. John and Laura Odum, for instance, not only serve on the Pre-Cana team at St. Cyprian's, but are the godparents to their four-year-old son. As others, like Dwayne and Patty Glover as well as Roy and Pat Kerr, address further premarital issues at the semi-annual Pre-Cana sessions, Derrick and Helen Banks find they also benefit. Consequently, they point to the circle of influence in learning and teaching at Pre-Cana.
A large portion of the communications section that the Banks are responsible focuses on verbal communication. John Odum also expounds on this subject. He often brings up the fact that one should not "bring up old issues in new conversations" nor should couples harbor resentments and grudges over past hurts. Forgiveness, he said, is one of the hallmarks of a solid marriage.

Yet John Odum added that the team does touch on non-verbal forms of communication as well. The way one looks at each other, show physical affection, and other forms of body language is something that all couples have to pay attention to. The old adage that, "Actions speak louder than words" is evident. It is something that stimulates lively conversation at the session, according to John Odom.

"Sometimes what you don't say is as important as what you do say," John Odum said. "Non-verbal communication is often (revealed) when you are out with family or friends. Since non-verbal communication is still communication, you have to choose your actions just as carefully as your words in verbal communication."

The more experienced married couples are the ones who facilitate the more sensitive discussions that involve sexual relations, finances, and the adjustments needed in the critical first years of marriage. They have already been over the hurdle and their hindsight brings a spiritual richness to these conversations.

John Odum brings the experience of being the father a 32-year-old daughter, Jobenia. He had this daughter from a previous relationship before he married his wife in 1993. Together, John and Laura have a 10-year-old son, Malcolm-who serves as an altar server. While he often leaves the sibling rivalry issues to the couples with children who are closer in age, he can discuss the issue of step parenting, children who do not live at home, and how parenting changes over time.

"You can't talk about any of these subjects without talking about being spiritually grounded," said John Odum. "If you don't have Christ at the center of your marriage, it just won't work. Marriage involves bringing together two very individuals, but your love of Christ is what you have in common. It is only by keeping Christ in the picture that you will have a good and happy marriage. So, it's important that each one in the couple have their own faith (renewed) continually."

At St. Cyprian, the Pre-Cana session targets African American couples from throughout the Philadelphia Archdiocese. While the April session draws about a dozen couples who will marry during the prime summer wedding months, about half that amount attend the October workshop and usually plan to marry during the winter season.

"The sessions always start with an icebreaker, so that everyone can feel comfortable," explained John Odum, who got married in 1993 and has been involved with the Pre-Cana group at St. Cyprian since its inception. "We usually start about 9 a.m. and by noon when we have lunch everyone is pretty comfortable and we've already go a lot done. The afternoon is when we discuss the more (sensitive) topics. The beauty of our Pre-Cana program is that we wind up about 4 p.m., so it's all done in one long session." For more information or to register contact Msgr. Britto at 215-747-3250.