Healthy Relationships 101
By Katy Flood
Sexual Integrity Specialist, Heartbeat International
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Have you ever wondered how you are supposed to navigate opposite sex relationships in a healthy way in today's world? I often wonder why, when I was beginning to approach my dating years, no one ever offered a "Dating Successfully" class or a "How to Understand What A Healthy Relationship Looks Like" class. Twenty some years later I am still wondering why very few organizations offer such education. There would be a lot less heartbreak, STD's, out-of-wedlock pregnancy, and divorce if there were more education like this offered. Most young people journey through life having no clue as to what they are supposed to be looking for in the opposite sex or what is healthy or unhealthy in their relationships. Some live their lives by the old saying "if at first you don't succeed, try, try again." That is not a healthy approach based on the outcomes we see in our culture.

Most of the young men and women I have counseled inside the pregnancy resource center (PRC) have not understood the ingredients to healthy relationships. For example, one woman was in an abusive relationship but not able to recognize or admit that she was. When I began to tell her some of the red flags that she should look for before committing to someone, her eyes opened wide and it was as if a light bulb went on in her head. She was finally able to see that her relationship was not healthy and was actually abusive. She was appreciative that I was taking the time to help her make better choices. Relationships are not meant to be hard, nor are they meant to cause turmoil or depression.

The truth is we were designed for relationships. The creator of life, God, created us in His image. "Then God said, "Let us make man in our image…" (Gen. 1:26). The fact that the verse uses the words "our" and "us" is significant. Those words refer to the God of Creation being a Triune God. It refers to the Trinity - God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit - one God, three persons. During our training to PRCs using Heartbeat's The Love Approach Manual ©, we begin by looking at how this verse teaches us that at the beginning of everything is a relational God and He created man to be in relationship, both with Himself and with others.

Let us see if there could be a better way of approaching the subject of relationships and dating. The concept of dating has been around for centuries, but it has evolved into something very different than its original intent. Courtship, where dating comes from, was designed for men and women to get to know each other and decide whether they should pursue marriage. That is a far cry from what we have now. Today dating is little more than meeting someone and possibly sleeping with them that same day.

I am a firm believer that God is the best matchmaker in the world. He has been in the matchmaking business longer than anyone. If you truly want to have healthy and strong relationships, then you must first understand who you are. You have to know who you are before you are able to share yourself with another person. Digging into the Word of God and comprehending the truth of who you are is worth the time and effort. God has a lot to say about you and your worth to Him. He also has great wisdom as to how we are to interact with others. No one will be able to satisfy your soul except God. When we search for our significance in the opposite sex we usually come away feeling empty. Their purpose is not to "complete" us like we have heard in the movies. This is true because God designed us to be complete in Him. When we find our significance and worth in the One who created us and knows our inmost being (Psalm 139) then we will have a healthy self-image that will make for stronger, more successful relationships.

Once we understand this simple truth of our worth, then the question becomes whether we trust God enough to give Him our love lives. When we try to write our own love story, it is not half as good as when we allow God to write it. The choice is always up to us. The story of your life is being written. Who is holding the pen? Is it you or is it God? God tells us in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you…plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a future and a hope." God designed us to be in relationship with others and for those relationships to be healthy and God-honoring. Waiting on God is not easy when it comes to romantic relationships. But when we give Him the pen we know that the love story He writes will be perfect for us.

Once we have the foundational truth of who we are, then practical tools become can become helpful. Dr. Neil Clarke Warren, the founder of eHarmony.com©, has written a fantastic book on the very subject entitled "Falling in Love For All the Right Reasons." 1 In his book, Dr. Warren outlines the twenty-nine dimensions he has discovered to help men and women find their soul mate. He helps the reader understand those things to avoid and those things to look for when pursuing a long-term relationship. The contents of this book will guide you into healthy relationships and will save much time, heartache, and wasted Friday nights.

One point I will make regarding healthy relationships and young adults is that if you choose to engage in physical sexual intimacy it will skew your judgment. If you are serious about wanting to develop successful relationships and do not want to continue trying again and again, then it is important for you to not engage in any sexual intimacy in a dating relationship. Nothing will cloud your judgment more than if you begin to enter into a physical relationship with the opposite sex when you are trying to discern if this individual is a good match for you.

Relationships can be frustrating and sometimes difficult to navigate. But, we are not alone. We have the power of a living God inside of us that empowers us with wisdom to make the right choices in our relationships. I encourage you to pick up two good books, the Bible and Dr. Warren's book so that you will truly understand what it takes to have great, healthy, and strong relationships.

1 Warren, Neil Clark. Falling in Love for All the Right Reasons. Center Street, 2005.

Katy Flood, LAS, is Heartbeat International's Sexual Integrity Specialist with over 20 years experience in life-affirming ministry. Katy travels the world motivating and training men and women on the beauty of embracing God's plan for our sexuality. Katy and her husband, Steve, live in Lewistown, Pennsylvania with their three sons.